Flash from the Past

 So the other night, I was scrolling on Tik Tok, which has become a nightly routine for me, and this lady had posted a video that was basically an audio recording of her significant other abusing her verbally. After hearing it, I went to the recordings on my phone and played a recording from August 2018. It was an audio recording of my son's father telling me that he was going to fuck me up. I cried on the toilet for like 2 mins and then went about my night like nothing happened. I would like to report that I have started therapy again, so I told my therapist about the event as well. I splurged my feelings to her about how I cant seem to stay away from the past, and how I feel like I'm wasting not only time but energy because of what I focus on. I hated myself for wasting two years with someone who made sure I knew they didn't want me. I wasted resources on people who are nowhere to be found today. I wasted my body and my youth before I was forced to push myself into maturity when I became responsible for another person. I haven't been outside of my house in over 2 weeks. I am honestly scared shitless of me or my son catching not only covid now but the delta variant as well. I have wanted to smoke a cigarette for the last 3 days, but I keep reminding myself that I already have diabetes, why take engage in something that I know could kill me. If it wasn't for Skyler I wouldn't care, but I want to be here for his life. He already has one parent who could care less, I am aware that I have taken over for both parts. 

I share these things because reality is something that is hard to come by. You have people living lies every day, and I just can't do it. I might get fired tomorrow and the only reason I even care is that I need to pay the other half of my September rent. I hate this job so much though, it gives me absolutely no purpose. My mother would tell me things like to be grateful I have a job at all, but I'm tired of merely surviving and I really want to start living. That would consist of days where I don't have to worry about next month's rent, or how having to take the bus in 100-degree weather to get my son to his doctor's appointment. I don't mind being single, I've come to accept it as an old friend. At least nobody is using me anymore.I know topics like this can be seen as negative, but I believe in growing my content to create a safe space for everyone. You might have expected me to only say “women” but all people, no matter what their gender may be a subject of abuse. Always remember that abuse is more than just physical abuse. All people deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, and as a creator, I want to reach as many people as possible to change the narrative.