Introvert Chronicle 2

There are days where I feel like my son doesn't like me. I know this has to be impossible since I'm literally the only one he's been around for the past month, but there are times where I feel like I annoy him. I googled it, though, and it said that the toddlers can be really finicky at his age, and they're trying to learn how to level and handle their tiny human emotions.  This influencer has I've been following for like 2 years got in trouble for child neglect. The police report says her neighbors found her 4 years old wandering the streets alone and crying. When she got back home, she told the cops she went to get detergent, but she was wearing full party clothing. Another Tik Tok person shared a video of the chick's mug shot. People were really tearing down her entire character in the comments, and I am not saying the incident should be overlooked, but it really shows what influencers and celebrities go through every day. You can bet she wasn't the one who spread the word about what happened, but even other influencers tweeted that they were no longer collaborating with her. I know I am probably confusing you, but I brought that up to show that being a parent is very hard. I believe that there is no such thing as the perfect parent. My younger cousin just had a baby last month, and today, she was voicing to me that she and her boyfriend have been butting heads since the baby was born. I thought she had it 10x better than me because she had her partner by her side for the entire experience, but having a child, no matter what age you are, how rich or poor you may be, or whether you are single or in a relationship, is fucking hard. This influencer gave the idea that she was just living in complete bliss as not only a sex worker but a new homeowner, all while being a single mom. I just have a tendency to blame myself for my son getting the short end of the stick. He's got my crazy impulsive, overly emotional, toxic ass for a mom. A father who literally defines narcissism. It's like being a mess up in my son's genetics, but I want to provide whatever tools I can to steer him in the right direction. 

Trust me when I say I know I am overthinking this. My son is an infant; he doesn’t grasp any aspect of what it means to “not like” someone, let alone the person he is around 24/7. This is why I joined therapy because my mind is constantly worrying about things that it doesn’t have to. I have voiced my concerns to my therapist about my mind being so focused on these imaginary issues that I feel I am self-sabotaging myself because I’m not focused on things in my control. This is why if you feel like you need that extra ear to vent to, it doesn’t mean you have to be crazy or bipolar; you should give therapy a shot. 

- Fin