I am more than sure that my son and I have been in the house for over a month now. There were appointments I had but I called to cancel them all because I couldn't wrap my mind around the energy it would take for me to leave. I was supposed to go get my learners to permit this past Monday, and I analyzed every reason and why I didn't need to so I made a new appointment for October. You see it has been over 100 degrees for the past two months, and I am completely miserable when Skyler and I have outings because it's a whole process. I have to drag the stroller up and down my stairs, push around an almost 30-pound baby and take the bus which is always crowded because the only local public transportation here is city buses. I feel like shit having my baby in the heat like that, and plus anywhere we have to go, I have to leave a full 2 hours early. I wish I was wealthy, so I could pay for our doctors to make house calls. I thought I was okay going out earlier this year because Covid had died now, but now we are worrying about the delta variant. I've started to overthink so bad, I've made 3 appointments to get my first dose of the vaccine, but I'm scared with all the people Skyler and I are forced to be around while traveling, I could catch it, or even worse Skyler could catch it. I used to go for walks almost every day back in California, but this new state is like a new planet to me.
My therapist said due to all the trauma I've experienced from my early years to the last event being this past April, I've become reluctant to leave because I finally feel safe. This makes complete sense because even though my last living situation was my first place on my own (and Skyler), it was literally a roaches' nest. I've slept in places where you might see a bug or two, but this studio was filled with them. I saw them daily, I woke up one time to a roach crawling up my bed with me in it. This also was where my ex slapped me across my forehead with my 8-month-old on my lap. 2 days after the incident when I thought he was gone and scared from me calling the cops, he pulls up on my street and watches me walk into my building. Later that night he knocks at my door at 4AM, and I called the cops again, and they found him sleeping in his car in front of my apartment building. I got restraining order because he never had a stable living situation they could never find him to summon him to court, so I did my next best idea which was to leave the state. I still think about the possibility of him showing up and trying to be our son from me. I daydream about him just knocking on my door some days because he hacked an account of mine (again) and found my address.
Sometimes I think about having people come over but I am not one who can read a bad person character very well. The guys before me and my ex (and a few after) only used me. You see I thought if I showed a guy that I was all in, that they could always count on me, that they would return that loyalty. I was so wrong. I had a small thing going with a friend from home, we dated for 2 months before I moved to the same state as him. I had gone as far as buying him a brand new gaming CPU. If you are a gamer you know a good one will run you at least a grand minimum. I had the money, and he was my legit "boyfriend". He was there before and after my sons' dad. I had paid him a visit before making the move and the 5 days we spent together were amazing. So I thought I had something to look forward to when I moved, besides a bigger and cheaper place. Yet when I showed up he made excuses on why he couldn't see me. The uber was 25$ which was too much or the bus ride was an hour. So of course my brain thinks of the obvious and most hurtful fact. I spent over a grand on you but to you, I'm not even worth 25 bucks? We never broke up, we just stopped talking. It took me a while to bring this question to his attention but when I did he simply responded with the plain fact that he had no idea what to say to that. So I would rather not have anybody over because I bet whoever it is, will only prove to be a negative factor in my life. If not right then and there, somehow in the future it'll all come back to bite me in the ass.
- Fin
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