Purpose

 Recently I have taken a lot of time off from work, and I've had some extra time to reflect on things. I haven't left my home in over a month, and it's starting to worry me a little bit. I don't know where I would even take the sky for a day out because I am so scared of getting sick. I feel like I won't be fully comfortable with going out in public with my son until this thing is verified as gone. Sky and I have never really been anywhere just he and I. I mean I was huge on walking when we lived in California, but that was before any word of the Delta Variant. I don't know if I will ever be comfortable with sending him to daycare. I have had a break since I've become a parent, but my past trauma has really made it hard to trust anyone. People in my family questioned my choices when it came to even have sky because we all knew it was life-threatening. Once he was born, I felt like my family set out to take over the responsibility of taking care of him. My mom asking me to sign him over, my grandma saying if she couldn't see sky she would figure out a way, skys dad always using my son as a pawn to get me to do what he wanted, it was exhausting. I have always had to have my own back when it came to being a mother. Skyler has given me a purpose and it's crazy that people are quick to try to take it from me and make me think they are helping me by doing it. I have thought about smoking cigarettes again every day now, and the one reason I won't is that I don't want sky smelling that stuff. Skyler has given me a reason to keep trying and to better myself. With him being without a male role model in his life, I have to show him the qualities I would like him to have. I have been getting hit with the fact that I'm single more often lately, and it does bother me. I don't want just any guy around my son, and my history of men is nothing but abusers, rapists, potheads, and bums. I cried today thinking about the fact that I have never had someone love me like I've loved them. I have given my all, my money, my time, my loyalty, and I have never had some return the favor. Skyler is the only stable guy in my life, and yes our relationship is that of a normal mother and son, but that's okay because he actually needs all of those qualities from me. The guys I dated just took it and left, but Skyler actually needs those things from me. So yea, I might just settle for memories of those times when they were good, but I'm better off without them. 

It is time that I accept and find comfort in being alone. I have my moments where I want to be social and hang out with people my age, but that can wait. It feels good to not have that constant feeling of fight or flight embedded in my mind. I don't have to run anymore, and I wish for anybody else, who feels similar to find this as well. 

- Fin