Broke Mommy Meals #1

 So since I recently lost my job, I have been surviving and feeding my family with country resources like food stamps. Websites like Walmart and Amazon allow you to order food and pay with your EBT card, but Walmart does have a non-negotiable delivery fee, unlike Amazon. Here is a fancy meal I was able to come up with and it actually fed me for 3 days!

Pot Roast Stew/ Pot Roast Tacos:

Ingredients: All from Amazon - You will need a crockpot to make stew

• Beef Chuck 
• Paprika
• Beef Bouillon Cubes
• Garlic Clove
• White Onion
• Beef Stock 
• Black Pepper
• Salt
• Worcestershire Sauce
• Seasoning Salt
• Garlic Salt
• Frozen Veggies (optional)

Conducting Stew:

1. Wash your hands

2. Take beef chuck out of the packaging and rinse off

3. Set chuck on plate, and add all seasonings to both side,

4. rub in seasoning after adding them to chuck with hands. 

5. This step is up to you - I fried my chuck in the frying pan and once it got tender, I started to mince chuck with a fork and cooking scissors, but you can put the chuck in the crockpot for 4-5 hours until tender and then remove and slice it up.

6. Once the chuck is sliced to your preference, add beef stock to the crockpot

7. Pull apart garlic clove and cut pieces into beef stock

8. Pull apart onion and cut pieces into the stock

9. Add one bouillon cube to the crockpot

10. Also optional - I added frozen veggies to my crockpot

11. Add spoonfuls of cut up chuck to crockpot

12. Cook for 3 hours in a crockpot on high. 

13. You can also add homemade potatoes or instant mashed potatoes which are available on Amazon

14. ENJOY

Unknown

 So I am being forced to leave the house in two days, and my anxiety has been through the roof. I am sure a lot of you have seen the story of the woman who lost her son after a routine doctor's appointment. I take care of Skyler, and I don't abuse him, and some might say my son is spoiled, but I am still worried. Skyler was diagnosed with a gross motor delay and referred to occupational, physical, and feeding therapy. I was taking him in the beginning but with me having to depend on public transportation amongst covid, and have the therapist call out and not being notified till after I've caught one out of 2 buses, I decided to look for an in-home therapy option. He just turned 18 months, and although he has started to take some steps on his own, he still isn't fully walking. The other day he ate his full solid meal of macaroni and cheese with peas and carrots. After that day he was even able to eat some oatmeal. Since the first day though, he prefers the baby food, and when I tried changing it up, he gagged and vomited. I don't have the resources to give him the care he deserves. I just lost my job and since they won't put him on my insurance since I'm on my mother's, he's stuck with the county Medicaid. See if I had the money, I would just pay for it out of pocket. If I drove it would be safer for me to stick with the therapy because we wouldn't be risking our lives walking in 100-degree weather and constantly around strangers. I really haven't gone anywhere past the apartment dumpster in over a month, and it really is because I feel safe here. I know we are clean, and we don't go to overcrowded stores because I get everything delivered. At the same time, Skyler has never been to a regular park with other children or the in-door play gyms at the mall, but I just can't risk losing my baby or risk my health which would result in me not being there for him. I don't want anyone else looking after my son until he can talk, and piece together any events where he's being mistreated. Maternal instincts are really a force to be reckoned with. I just want to get this appointment over with, Skyler is getting shots so that adds to the anxiety, and come home. 

- Fin 

Introvert Chronicle 2

There are days where I feel like my son doesn't like me. I know this has to be impossible since I'm literally the only one he's been around for the past month, but there are times where I feel like I annoy him. I googled it, though, and it said that the toddlers can be really finicky at his age, and they're trying to learn how to level and handle their tiny human emotions.  This influencer has I've been following for like 2 years got in trouble for child neglect. The police report says her neighbors found her 4 years old wandering the streets alone and crying. When she got back home, she told the cops she went to get detergent, but she was wearing full party clothing. Another Tik Tok person shared a video of the chick's mug shot. People were really tearing down her entire character in the comments, and I am not saying the incident should be overlooked, but it really shows what influencers and celebrities go through every day. You can bet she wasn't the one who spread the word about what happened, but even other influencers tweeted that they were no longer collaborating with her. I know I am probably confusing you, but I brought that up to show that being a parent is very hard. I believe that there is no such thing as the perfect parent. My younger cousin just had a baby last month, and today, she was voicing to me that she and her boyfriend have been butting heads since the baby was born. I thought she had it 10x better than me because she had her partner by her side for the entire experience, but having a child, no matter what age you are, how rich or poor you may be, or whether you are single or in a relationship, is fucking hard. This influencer gave the idea that she was just living in complete bliss as not only a sex worker but a new homeowner, all while being a single mom. I just have a tendency to blame myself for my son getting the short end of the stick. He's got my crazy impulsive, overly emotional, toxic ass for a mom. A father who literally defines narcissism. It's like being a mess up in my son's genetics, but I want to provide whatever tools I can to steer him in the right direction. 

Trust me when I say I know I am overthinking this. My son is an infant; he doesn’t grasp any aspect of what it means to “not like” someone, let alone the person he is around 24/7. This is why I joined therapy because my mind is constantly worrying about things that it doesn’t have to. I have voiced my concerns to my therapist about my mind being so focused on these imaginary issues that I feel I am self-sabotaging myself because I’m not focused on things in my control. This is why if you feel like you need that extra ear to vent to, it doesn’t mean you have to be crazy or bipolar; you should give therapy a shot. 

- Fin 

Adulting

 So today, I got fired. I woke up at 6AM, ready to work, and got fired. This isn't a surprise because I literally hated the job, even though I only worked there for 2 months. So here is my review for the company Anyone Home inc. 

My job title was a property consultant. I was responsible for giving customers information on a specific property they called in about. This information could be the rental amount, lease terms, pet policy, and everything between becoming a resident. First off, they trained us for one week. We did mock calls for the first week with other people in our training class, and the second week, we took regular calls. Big. Fucking. Mistake. I can honestly say 75% of the calls I took asked about things I had no clue about and was not trained to find. First, I was getting in trouble for sending customers to the help desk. People were calling saying they were trying to access the pool and needed the gate code. When I would give them the leasing office number, it was ALWAYS the number they dialed to get me. So then I was told to ask them to call back and press a different option, but if people in the office didn't answer the phone, they could be directed to me, who couldn't help them. Then there were the damn quality assurance scores. I took these calls, answered the customer's questions, and then let them go about their day. That was where I messed up. The company wants you to ask for every caller's back story in regards to their move. We were told to ask why they were moving, how many people were moving if they had pets (this was valid), all these weird questions which many customers were uncomfortable with answering, but because I wouldn't skip all that and give them what they asked for I kept getting low QA scores. So that's when my boss literally starts hounding me like he would listen to my calls which duh you should do anyway, but he would go out of his way to instant chat me feedback while I'm on the call; I was so confused I was stuttering on some calls because I kept getting beeped when he would message me. 

Basically, I'm over this fucking cycle. This endless cycle of these jobs makes me want to stab myself in the hand because I hate doing them, but these are the only jobs that will take me with my high school education. I'm one semester away from getting my associate's in communications, and I really want to do something with public relations or writing. I would love to get back into dance, but with being a single mom in a state with no other family and amongst a pandemic...that's pretty much impossible. It can be hard trying to stay positive when things are constantly changing. I find comfort in stability new things but at a slow pace. I guess I will have to buckle up and prepare because there's no way the future may hold. 

- Fin

Trust

 I am starting to worry about how I will teach my son about trust. I have a bad reputation for trusting the wrong people. I have always tried to see the good in people, but the world keeps changing, and it's safe to say none of it is positive. Skyler and I were watching movies earlier, and I realized how safe the world used to be around the 90s and early 2000s. There used to be a time when if a stranger came up to you because you looked lost, and they offered to help you, there was a small chance they might be a psycho killer. These days there's a murder almost every day and the victim lost their life simply because they gave their trust to a stranger. There was a mom in Walmart a few years ago with her small children, and a man prayed on her because they looked lost and were struggling. He offered to go get the family some food at a McDonald’s across the street and to take one of the young girls with him. After they had been gone for hours, the mom called the police. They ended up finding the little girl stabbed to death behind a church.

This man probably appeared in the form of an angel to this woman. She was hungry, trying to provide for her family, and he used that to only cause her more pain and heartache. How am I supposed to explain to my son that it's better to trust no one? You even friends and family doing things like kidnapping their nieces and nephews just to murder them and drive around for months with their dead bodies in their trunks. How am I supposed to tell my son, he can barely trust family when I prefer to be away from mine simply because I don't trust them. I decided to teach my son that trust is earned. Do I want him to be mean to every new person at his school simply because he doesn't know them? Of course not! I just have no better way of explaining to my son the world that we live in. How can I tell my son that if he ever is approached by a cop to immediately put his hands up? This was just a painful reminder that the world is such a dark place. There is nowhere anybody can go where there is complete peace and harmony. You go to Africa; you must worry about people coming into your house when you are sleeping and cutting off your arm because you are albino. You go to Columbia; people are dying every day because of drugs. 

 

I think we should compare our system to places like Canada. I believe we could really learn from that country based on not only the statistics showing that people are happier in general, but the fact that the state isn’t based on capitalism like United States is. The actor Jim Carey mentioned during an interview how the USA puts things like the monetary gain from oil over the healthcare system of its citizens. The sad thing is that nobody will come forward about this issue. People are too worried about what they must deal with than trying to make changes for future generations. 

 

Purpose

 Recently I have taken a lot of time off from work, and I've had some extra time to reflect on things. I haven't left my home in over a month, and it's starting to worry me a little bit. I don't know where I would even take the sky for a day out because I am so scared of getting sick. I feel like I won't be fully comfortable with going out in public with my son until this thing is verified as gone. Sky and I have never really been anywhere just he and I. I mean I was huge on walking when we lived in California, but that was before any word of the Delta Variant. I don't know if I will ever be comfortable with sending him to daycare. I have had a break since I've become a parent, but my past trauma has really made it hard to trust anyone. People in my family questioned my choices when it came to even have sky because we all knew it was life-threatening. Once he was born, I felt like my family set out to take over the responsibility of taking care of him. My mom asking me to sign him over, my grandma saying if she couldn't see sky she would figure out a way, skys dad always using my son as a pawn to get me to do what he wanted, it was exhausting. I have always had to have my own back when it came to being a mother. Skyler has given me a purpose and it's crazy that people are quick to try to take it from me and make me think they are helping me by doing it. I have thought about smoking cigarettes again every day now, and the one reason I won't is that I don't want sky smelling that stuff. Skyler has given me a reason to keep trying and to better myself. With him being without a male role model in his life, I have to show him the qualities I would like him to have. I have been getting hit with the fact that I'm single more often lately, and it does bother me. I don't want just any guy around my son, and my history of men is nothing but abusers, rapists, potheads, and bums. I cried today thinking about the fact that I have never had someone love me like I've loved them. I have given my all, my money, my time, my loyalty, and I have never had some return the favor. Skyler is the only stable guy in my life, and yes our relationship is that of a normal mother and son, but that's okay because he actually needs all of those qualities from me. The guys I dated just took it and left, but Skyler actually needs those things from me. So yea, I might just settle for memories of those times when they were good, but I'm better off without them. 

It is time that I accept and find comfort in being alone. I have my moments where I want to be social and hang out with people my age, but that can wait. It feels good to not have that constant feeling of fight or flight embedded in my mind. I don't have to run anymore, and I wish for anybody else, who feels similar to find this as well. 

- Fin

Introvert Chronicle 1

 I am more than sure that my son and I have been in the house for over a month now. There were appointments I had but I called to cancel them all because I couldn't wrap my mind around the energy it would take for me to leave. I was supposed to go get my learners to permit this past Monday, and I analyzed every reason and why I didn't need to so I made a new appointment for October. You see it has been over 100 degrees for the past two months, and I am completely miserable when Skyler and I have outings because it's a whole process. I have to drag the stroller up and down my stairs, push around an almost 30-pound baby and take the bus which is always crowded because the only local public transportation here is city buses. I feel like shit having my baby in the heat like that, and plus anywhere we have to go, I have to leave a full 2 hours early. I wish I was wealthy, so I could pay for our doctors to make house calls. I thought I was okay going out earlier this year because Covid had died now, but now we are worrying about the delta variant. I've started to overthink so bad, I've made 3 appointments to get my first dose of the vaccine, but I'm scared with all the people Skyler and I are forced to be around while traveling, I could catch it, or even worse Skyler could catch it. I used to go for walks almost every day back in California, but this new state is like a new planet to me. 

My therapist said due to all the trauma I've experienced from my early years to the last event being this past April, I've become reluctant to leave because I finally feel safe. This makes complete sense because even though my last living situation was my first place on my own (and Skyler), it was literally a roaches' nest. I've slept in places where you might see a bug or two, but this studio was filled with them. I saw them daily, I woke up one time to a roach crawling up my bed with me in it. This also was where my ex slapped me across my forehead with my 8-month-old on my lap. 2 days after the incident when I thought he was gone and scared from me calling the cops, he pulls up on my street and watches me walk into my building. Later that night he knocks at my door at 4AM, and I called the cops again, and they found him sleeping in his car in front of my apartment building. I got restraining order because he never had a stable living situation they could never find him to summon him to court, so I did my next best idea which was to leave the state. I still think about the possibility of him showing up and trying to be our son from me. I daydream about him just knocking on my door some days because he hacked an account of mine (again) and found my address. 

Sometimes I think about having people come over but I am not one who can read a bad person character very well. The guys before me and my ex (and a few after) only used me. You see I thought if I showed a guy that I was all in, that they could always count on me, that they would return that loyalty. I was so wrong. I had a small thing going with a friend from home, we dated for 2 months before I moved to the same state as him. I had gone as far as buying him a brand new gaming CPU. If you are a gamer you know a good one will run you at least a grand minimum. I had the money, and he was my legit "boyfriend". He was there before and after my sons' dad. I had paid him a visit before making the move and the 5 days we spent together were amazing. So I thought I had something to look forward to when I moved, besides a bigger and cheaper place. Yet when I showed up he made excuses on why he couldn't see me. The uber was 25$ which was too much or the bus ride was an hour. So of course my brain thinks of the obvious and most hurtful fact. I spent over a grand on you but to you, I'm not even worth 25 bucks? We never broke up, we just stopped talking. It took me a while to bring this question to his attention but when I did he simply responded with the plain fact that he had no idea what to say to that. So I would rather not have anybody over because I bet whoever it is, will only prove to be a negative factor in my life. If not right then and there, somehow in the future it'll all come back to bite me in the ass. 

- Fin 

Mental Health

 To those that have blessed me with their attention...

I want to bring to your attention the importance of mental health. As a millennial, my parents are very old school. They don't really believe in things like therapy, and self-care. I was beaten into submission when I was younger, but when I got older, and my anger started to ruin my life, I learned how important my mental health was. I was told hurtful things as a child and expected to move on, as an adult, those things still bothered me today and my family would still keep their stance, and advise me to let it go. I don't believe in that way and I think people that think their words don't hurt or the child won't remember it later, need a wake-up call. I have never been on any type of prescription medication for anxiety or depression, but I was diagnosed with both when I was pregnant in 2019. Therapy is what really helps me these days. Even though for the majority of my sessions I'm spilling out my intrusive thoughts throughout the years, it's a big relief to be able to even speak about it. As a survivor of domestic violence as a child and an adult, I don't trust people easily and have lived in constant fear for years. Therapy has helped me realize that I'm not just being a weirdo hermit crab, I am mentally working through and processing being in a safe place for the first time in my life. Today at work I almost got fired, but I decided to no longer take my supervisor's harassment, and I not only reported how he was treating me, but I requested a change. I know a lot of us are stuck in this survival mode, where we have to do things we hate doing. Whether it's a job, a relationship or even being a parent sometimes, we forgot what it means to really live and enjoy life. It took a lot of guts for me to call my supervisor out, but I did it for my mental health. I wouldn't function or do my job correctly, knowing that every workday I could possibly be harassed. These things are not supposed to be easy, and they're supposed to scare the shit out of you. I thought I was for sure going to be let go, but I was understood, and I start a new shift tomorrow. Whatever person or event is causing you stress, you need to let it go. If they're related to you or not, stop bottling those emotions, because once you can longer keep them down, you'll explode which only hurts every person involved. 

I want my readers to know that they are not alone and can count on me to be there. I may not be rich, and nobody really knows my name, but I know how just having somebody there, who's gone through similar rough patches, can really make you take a breath and realize what you need to do. You may be one person around your family and the complete opposite when you are alone. You may get nauseous at the thought of even going to work, but know you have no other option. You might hate the person you dating but cant afford to leave because you lean on them financially, or for other support. You might love the hell out of your kids, but when they're sleeping you cry because of the stress of being a single parent. Your mental health matters, and if you cant take care of yourself, how can you expect to take care of others? This is your reminder to take one step toward bettering your mental health and/or start engaging in self-care. 

I love to read. I have loved to read my entire life, and when I do read I make my own little movies in my head. This is easy for me because I also am a huge film fanatic. I even took a class in film history last Spring. Now being a single mom, I cant just spend hours on end reading, but I did make the habit of reading when my son takes his nap every day. I even created my own award system, just to make sure I never stop reading. I also love to color. Now I am no Picasso, I can't draw for the death of me, but there is something relaxing about coloring a coloring book. I always get this immense satisfaction from finishing a page. I even purchased the 115 sharpie set. So these activities may be completely boring to other people my age, who would prefer going out or hanging with friends, but I find so much peace in doing them. It doesn't matter how weird others may think of it, or what your family might say. If it brings you peace, you should do it. Take some time out of reality and get lost in serenity and calmness. 

-Fin 

Flash from the Past

 So the other night, I was scrolling on Tik Tok, which has become a nightly routine for me, and this lady had posted a video that was basically an audio recording of her significant other abusing her verbally. After hearing it, I went to the recordings on my phone and played a recording from August 2018. It was an audio recording of my son's father telling me that he was going to fuck me up. I cried on the toilet for like 2 mins and then went about my night like nothing happened. I would like to report that I have started therapy again, so I told my therapist about the event as well. I splurged my feelings to her about how I cant seem to stay away from the past, and how I feel like I'm wasting not only time but energy because of what I focus on. I hated myself for wasting two years with someone who made sure I knew they didn't want me. I wasted resources on people who are nowhere to be found today. I wasted my body and my youth before I was forced to push myself into maturity when I became responsible for another person. I haven't been outside of my house in over 2 weeks. I am honestly scared shitless of me or my son catching not only covid now but the delta variant as well. I have wanted to smoke a cigarette for the last 3 days, but I keep reminding myself that I already have diabetes, why take engage in something that I know could kill me. If it wasn't for Skyler I wouldn't care, but I want to be here for his life. He already has one parent who could care less, I am aware that I have taken over for both parts. 

I share these things because reality is something that is hard to come by. You have people living lies every day, and I just can't do it. I might get fired tomorrow and the only reason I even care is that I need to pay the other half of my September rent. I hate this job so much though, it gives me absolutely no purpose. My mother would tell me things like to be grateful I have a job at all, but I'm tired of merely surviving and I really want to start living. That would consist of days where I don't have to worry about next month's rent, or how having to take the bus in 100-degree weather to get my son to his doctor's appointment. I don't mind being single, I've come to accept it as an old friend. At least nobody is using me anymore.I know topics like this can be seen as negative, but I believe in growing my content to create a safe space for everyone. You might have expected me to only say “women” but all people, no matter what their gender may be a subject of abuse. Always remember that abuse is more than just physical abuse. All people deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, and as a creator, I want to reach as many people as possible to change the narrative.